What Is Forgiveness? — The Path to Liberation from Deep Pain

– Dr. Yoshi’s NeuroMindset Coaching Blog

“Do you still carry wounds in your heart that have not yet healed?”

In the quiet of the night, memories suddenly resurface.

That moment,
Those words,
That event—

They play over and over again in your mind, tightening your chest.

“Why did they say such things to me?”
“Why did that person hurt me?”
“Why do I have to suffer so much?”

The tears should have run dry by now, and yet your heart still clings to that pain
—as if reopening an old wound again and again, gouging it deeper each time.

“I just want to forget.”
“I want to be free from these emotions.”

Even as you wish for release, some part of you still clings to the pain.

Because—

Letting go feels like admitting “defeat” or “meaninglessness.”

Because—

To forgive might feel as though “that pain never existed.”

Then someone says…

“Just forgive them.”

“Are you kidding me? Forgive!?”

It’s not that simple.

Just because you say “I forgive,”
Doesn’t mean the tears from that night will vanish.
Doesn’t mean the pain crushing your chest will disappear like magic.

• Is forgiveness really about pretending nothing happened?
• Is it about acting like the suffering, the pain, and the despair I experienced were never real?
• Is that truly the “right” thing to do?

But what if—

What if forgiveness isn’t for them,

but for yourself?

What if to forgive means to set yourself free from the pain of the past?

What Is Forgiveness? — The Brain Science Behind Pain

Holding onto “unforgiveness” hurts you the most.

Let’s explore why through the lens of neuroscience.

What happens in your brain when you feel, “I can’t forgive”?

Surprisingly,

clinging to unforgiveness actually causes the greatest harm to yourself.

Let’s dive into the neuroscience and psychology behind this.

1. The Brain Experiences Past Pain as If It Were Happening Now

Our brain doesn’t simply store past experiences as “memories.”
It relives them as if they were happening right now.

Three major brain regions are involved in this:

① Amygdala — Amplifies Fear and Anger

The amygdala is the brain’s emotional processing center.
It processes signals related to fear, anger, and stress.

When you think “I can’t forgive,” the amygdala becomes highly active, amplifying feelings of fear and rage.

This leads to:

• The release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline
• Increased heart rate
• Elevated blood pressure

It’s as if your brain believes you’re being attacked all over again in this very moment.

② Hippocampus — Replays Painful Memories on a Loop

The hippocampus organizes and stores memories.

But when we’re stuck in unforgiveness, it replays painful memories repeatedly.

“He said this.”
“She did that.”
“Why did I have to go through that?”

This creates an endless loop of painful recollection.

As a result:

✅ You perceive past events as if they are still happening.
✅ Every replay reactivates the amygdala, intensifying the emotional pain.
✅ The more you “can’t forgive,” the more you relive the suffering.

③ Prefrontal Cortex — Struggles to Regulate Emotion

The prefrontal cortex is responsible for logic, reason, and self-control.

However, when the amygdala is overstimulated, the prefrontal cortex is overwhelmed.

Even if you rationally tell yourself,

“I should let this go,”

the emotional flood wins.

You spiral into:

“I can’t possibly forgive what happened.”

And stay trapped in the past, unable to resolve the pain.

Thus begins a vicious cycle where the inability to forgive continues to wound you deeply.

2. “Not Forgiving” Harms Both Body and Mind

Holding onto unforgiveness causes a constant release of stress hormones,
leading to both physical and mental health issues.

① Chronic Stress Reactions

Each time you think “I can’t forgive,” cortisol surges in your body.

✅ Elevated cortisol weakens your immune system, making you more prone to illness.
✅ Increases blood pressure, raising your risk of heart disease and stroke.
✅ Causes digestive problems like stomach pain and gut disorders.

② Mental Health Impact

Unforgiveness fuels anxiety, depression, and irritability.

✅ Sleep disorders — replaying past events at night, unable to rest
✅ Depression — feeling hopeless about your life
✅ Damaged relationships — difficulty trusting others, isolation

Ultimately, clinging to unforgiveness inflicts continuous harm on yourself.

Why We Stay Trapped in “I Can’t Forgive” — Its Pros and Cons

Why do we hold on to the feeling of “I can’t forgive”?

This feeling is actually a biological defense mechanism.

The brain prioritizes survival and avoiding pain.
By keeping past wounds vivid, it tries to protect us from repeating painful mistakes.

Unforgiveness also justifies our identity as victims:

“I’m not the one at fault.”
“They were wrong.”

This mindset helps preserve our emotional balance in the short term.

The Benefits of Being Consumed by the Feeling of “Unforgiveness”

✅ 1. Acts as Self-Protection

• When a painful experience is deeply imprinted in your memory, it makes you more cautious to avoid repeating the same mistake.
• The determination of “I will never go through that again” activates your instinct to protect yourself.

✅ 2. Validates Your Own Perspective

“I was right.”
“I was the victim, and they were wrong.”

• This mindset can help reinforce your sense of self-worth.
• In some cases, blaming others is easier than blaming yourself, making it a way to maintain emotional stability.

✅ 3. Can Be a Catalyst for Growth

An experience that feels too painful to forgive can spark the question:

“How can I move beyond this anger?”

It’s often through our deepest wounds that we begin to reflect on the meaning and value of life.

✅ 4. Strengthens the Desire to Honor Yourself

The feeling of “I can’t forgive this” can trigger a powerful sense of self-respect.

For example, survivors of abuse or manipulation may finally realize:

“I didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”

✅ 5. Becomes a Force for Change

Anger and resentment can become powerful motivators.

“I’ll show them.”
“Because of what happened, I’ll change.”

These emotions can fuel transformation and inspire a new chapter in life.

The Drawbacks of Remaining Trapped in “Unforgiveness”

❌ 1. Re-experiencing Past Pain Repeatedly

• When you keep thinking “I can’t forgive,” your brain replays the traumatic event over and over, forcing you to relive the emotional pain.
• This constant reactivation leads to excessive secretion of stress hormones (like cortisol), negatively impacting your physical and mental health.

❌ 2. Emotions Take Over, Impairing Judgment

When anger or resentment dominate, logical thinking becomes harder.

You may begin to act impulsively, consumed by thoughts like:

“I want revenge.”
“I want them to suffer.”

This emotional spiral can waste precious time in your life.

❌ 3. You Become the One Who Suffers

• The person you can’t forgive may have moved on.
• But you remain trapped in a cycle of bitterness and stress.

In the end, it’s your own peace of mind that suffers the most.

❌ 4. Deterioration of Relationships

• Holding on to unforgiveness fosters distrust of others, making it hard to form new bonds.
• You may find yourself constantly repeating the story of the person you can’t forgive to friends and family, which can strain relationships.

❌ 5. Inability to Feel Happiness

When your heart is consumed by rage and sorrow, there’s little room left for joy.

You begin to think:

“If only that hadn’t happened…”
“If only that person hadn’t done that…”

You become imprisoned by the past.

❌ 6. Increased Risk to Physical Health

Chronic stress disturbs your autonomic nervous system and weakens your immune system.

Health risks include:
✅ High blood pressure and heart disease
✅ Digestive issues
✅ Sleep disorders and insomnia
✅ Weakened immunity leading to illness

What Does It Truly Mean to Forgive? — The Deeper Essence Behind the Word

When people hear the word “forgive”, they often think it means:

“Accepting the other person”
“Pretending the wrongdoing never happened”

But is that really what forgiveness is?

In truth, forgiveness is deeper and more expansive than that.

Let’s explore the etymology of the word “forgive” to uncover its essence.

1. The Origin of the Word “Forgive”

(1) In Japanese — “Yurusu” (許す): To Loosen, To Release

The Japanese word “yurusu” comes from an older root word meaning “to loosen” or “to release.”

In its original form, forgiveness meant letting go of what you’ve been tightly gripping, and freeing your heart.

Opening a clenched fist.
Softening a hardened heart.
Unbinding emotions that have kept you imprisoned.
That is the true meaning of forgiveness.

It also carries nuances of:

“to allow,”
“to accept,”
and “to grant permission,”

as seen in words like kyoka (permission) or menkyo (license) — essentially, lifting a restriction and offering freedom.

(2) In English — Forgive: “To Give for the Sake of Another”

The English word forgive is composed of for (for the sake of) + give.

So at its core, forgiveness means “to give something for the sake of someone.”

Importantly, “to give” can also imply:
—to let go
—to release
—to set free

Thus, forgive signifies:
✅ Releasing the wrongdoing
✅ Letting go of your anger or resentment
✅ Purifying your emotions and becoming free

Forgiveness is not just for their sake.

It is a gift you give to yourself — to liberate your own heart.

(3) In Latin — Perdonare: “To Give Completely”

Going further back, the Latin word perdonare (the root of French pardonner and Spanish perdonar) breaks down into:

per (completely) + donare (to give).

It means:

“To completely give away”
“To let go entirely”

2. The True Essence of Forgiveness

Unraveling the origins of the word reveals the deeper truth of forgiveness:

(1) Forgiveness Is Not for the Other — It’s for You

Forgiveness is often misunderstood as “condoning what they did.”

But in reality, it’s not about justifying them — it’s about freeing yourself.

Holding onto anger is like clutching burning coal.
Hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting them to suffer.

Forgiveness is the choice to release your suffering.

It is an act of emotional freedom and healing.

(2) Forgiveness Is the Release of Inner Chains

The root meaning of “yurusu” is “to loosen.”

Forgiveness is loosening the grip on your own anger, sorrow, or resentment.

It is:

—Letting go of the words that stabbed your heart
—Breaking the chains of painful memories
—Unbinding the emotions that kept you stuck

Ultimately,

forgiveness is not about pardoning the other — it’s about pardoning yourself.

Final Thoughts — Forgiveness Is a Gift to Yourself

To forgive is not to give in.
To forgive is not to give up.
To forgive is to reclaim your life.

The pain of the past doesn’t need to define you.

The anger and resentment don’t have to shape your future.

“I choose to live my life for me.”

From that moment on, you are free.